The personality characteristics for various police assignments
By assignment:
Narcotics
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Immediately grow facial hair, tell everybody you were ordered to.
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Start watching every episode of Monster Garage.
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Buy a biker wallet with a big chain.
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Make every case involve overtime $$$.
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Buy bunches of boats, RV’s, and motorcycles with that overtime.
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Learn to play golf drunk.
SWAT
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Wear team T-shirts, Oakley sunglasses and boots everyday.
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Try to fit the word breach in to every conversation.
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Have a mirror handy to check hair, if you have hair.
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Never say hello to anyone who is not an operator, just practice your SWAT head nod.
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Subscribe to Soldier of Fortune and Muscle and Fitness.
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Learn to play golf wearing a gun.
Community Service units
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Hate SWAT.
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Work to make everybody love you.
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Paint your office in pastel colors.
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Think Feng Shui.
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Subscribe to Psychology Today.
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Learn to play miniature golf.
Traffic units
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Write tickets to EVERYBODY.
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Spend every weekend cleaning your bike and polishing boots.
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Annoy everyone on the radio calling out your stops.
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Talk about nothing but how many tickets you wrote in one day.
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Stylin’ by a building with big windows to see your reflection.
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Golf is lame, motor rodeos are cool.
K-9 Units
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Become sadistic.
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Show pictures of your latest dog bite.
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Brag about your largest drug find.
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Smell like a dog.
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Workout 3 times a day.
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Show off your bruises.
Administrative Units
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Three-hour lunches everyday, tell everybody it’s a “meeting.”
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Upgrade department cell phone every month.
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Tell everybody you are published in a national law enforcement magazine.
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Update your revenge list on a weekly basis.
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Golf Rules! Play lots of golf.
Patrol Units
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Has nerves of steel.
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In a terminal state of nausea from department politics.
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Inability to keep mouth shut.
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Has defining tastes in alcohol.
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Is respected by peers.
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Beats the crap out of his caddy on any bogeyed shot.
FTO (Field Training Officer)
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Automatically grasps the door handle until knuckles turn white when trainee is behind the wheel and car is put in gear.
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Considers a multiple-victim homicide in progress a “good training opportunity” and asks to take primary.
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Considers less than three hours of OT to be a quiet day.
Investigators
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Come in at 0800.
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“Breakfast” from 0815 to 1030.
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Work from 1030 to Noon.
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Noon to 1400 Work out and Lunch.
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1400-1700 Sit in CID and talk about how many girlfriends you have and how the wife doesn’t know. Plan your next RV, fishing, motorcycle trip.
Patrol Sergeant
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Remembers very well “how we used to do do it.”
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Always willing to tell his officers the above.
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Tries to fit the word “liability” in to every sentence.
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Talks about “what he’s hearing from upstairs.”
Trainee
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Unable to grow facial hair.
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Watches every episode of Cops.
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Worships the ground the SWAT guys walk on.
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Arrives for work three hours early.
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Thinks the sergeant is thrilled to see him.
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Won’t drink on the golf course because it violates the open container ordinance.
Feds
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Shave head, and grow goatee (unless you want to be a management weenie, then make sure you are clean shaven, with short almost military style haircut).
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Wear 5.11 pants, and polo with agency logo (unless you want to be a management weenie, then make sure you always have a shirt and pants to which a jacket and tie can be quickly added for when the boss might be around).
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Arrive at work at 8AM, spend one hour answering useless emails, and 30 minutes checking your retirement investments. Then go with another agent to Starbucks “to discuss a new case.”
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After participating in your first warrant service (as outside, back-up cover) make plans to join the agency SRT, SWAT, etc, to “properly utilize your superior tactical skills.”
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After doing your first buy bust, immediately begin asking the boss about “long term undercover” jobs.
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Refuse to play golf with “the locals.”
New Corrections Officers
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Show up for work 15 minutes early.
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Buy only the best ink pens (Pilot G-2).
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Wear T-Shirts of your “dream department” under your uniform.
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Wear a full duty belt of gear even though you have to remove everything when you arrive at the facility.
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Become friends with every local police officer.
Court Security
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Say you don’t want to work patrol anyway, but monitor dispatch channel while in courtroom.
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Have Jail and courthouse cafeteria menus memorized.
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Have seriously thought of entering law school after sitting through three jury trials.
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Consider the Public Defenders’ Christmas party the high point of the year.
Defensive Tactics Instructors
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Starts stretching before making arrest.
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Can spend hours debating the advantages of ASP vs. straight stick.
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Has spent more than $50 on a wood baton.
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Giggles when a suspect starts to resist.
Firearms Instructor
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Responds to every question/statement with the word, “huh?”.
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Has a % lead/blood level higher than the current Chief’s approval rating.
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Operates under the assumption that the more beer you drink, the more of that lead leaves your system.
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Thinks a new tactical handgun is a great Christmas gift for the wife/girlfriend.
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Has an image of a custom 1911-A1 for a screen-saver.
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Wears the latest high-tech electronic hearing protectors during normal conversation.